Reality rears its ugly head more often than we think. My reality check came when someone told me not so long ago that I'm never, ever going to test for second Dan. The reason? I'm out of shape. I don't practice and I'm too fat to pass any of the physical requirements for the testing. Okay. I sat and stewed on that for a long time. I finally came to the realization that she's right. I'm the only cuckoo in the group. I'm the fat one. I cannot even run an eighth of a mile, so I'm just out of luck. It sucks being the last one to finish anything, the one who huffs and puffs and feels inadequate because they are always last. Big deal.
I haven't really been attending classes either. Some of it was because I was told that I won't test again. Some of it was because we've been buying a house and that's absorbed a lot of my time.
Rather than sit and stew over the news that I'm too fat to test, I'm going to just shelve that idea (testing). I don't need to test. I'm just a Cho Dan and that's just fine. I earned my belt. I have that belt and my certificate. I know I was in okay shape back then. That's all I need. I just need to concentrate on improving what I know and fixing my (MANY) bad habits. I may just learn something from it.
Some time ago, I was told to stop whining that I wasn't going to get another belt. I've listened. It's time to work on ME. I'm going to take the lessons I learn in class and work with them. I've had physical issues that have prevented me from actively participating in classes until recently.
Now I can start doing things that will help me improve my physical condition. I plan on making myself over to what I want to be, not what I think everyone else wants me to be. I'm going to work on my own personal goals. I haven't set anything (yet), but will.
Finally, the ears are open. I'm not going to focus on earning a belt. I can tuck that into a closet, lock it up and throw away the key. It just isn't going to happen. Instead, my own physical and mental well being needs to be worked on, so that's going to be my focus. My new house is within walking distance of a recreation center, so I shall be wandering over there after work at least three times a week. I can possibly get a dog and go walking. When I feel like I'm ready, I'll start running to see if I'm a person who likes to run. If not, well, that's okay with me. I will attempt it.
If I start whining about not testing, someone, please, remind me that I need to focus on me. A belt is just a piece of cloth to tie around your waist. It isn't the symbolization I need anymore. I have it. So my name isn't on the one I'm wearing. Big deal. I have one. I have my name and my Dan card and nobody's going to revoke it.
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