Decision making

I've been thinking...a lot.  I've been thinking about trying to get back into training, only this time on my own.  I know that I can push the envelope and get myself into a reasonable facsimile of a martial artist.

I don't have a true school to work with anymore.  I've left one school due to a conflict with an instructor.  I left another school due to my own insecurity.  For the past two years, I've not concentrated on anything.  I've just existed.  I have taken Tai Chi, which I loved, but stopped those lessons in February after having to be out for a week with surgery.  

I have a "BOB".  I have a garage to work out in.  I just lack the motivation to push myself into working out.  I have spoken with a friend of mine, who has warned me that trying to train myself is not always a good thing.  He's also made an offer that I'm mulling over.  I can work with him--I'll have to document ALL of my training and I'll have to make darned sure that I'm following said training.  At least once or twice a month, I'll have to go to Houston to visit and work with him.  I've forgotten so much more than I let on that frankly, I'm scared.  I'm afraid that I'll let myself down.  I have high expectations for myself.  I expect perfection.  It's not a good thing to do, but I am honest about it.

So, I'm mulling over the WHEN of when I'm going to start training.  I need to keep up training with Alba.  I need to push myself into not being lazy about documenting my food in my journal too.  I spend entirely too much time saying "I'll get around to it" and then that "round to it" never comes.  I have to get into the frame of mind of DO IT NOW.  Period.  End of story.

Alba knows about BOB.  We've talked about using him.  I guess I need to get off my but and make myself do what I want to do.  I can come home from work, leave the car in the driveway, move BOB out into the middle of the garage and work on kicks, punches, etc.  It's a matter of WHEN.

I also need to give Sa Bu Nim an answer.  He's patient and isn't pushing me but...I need to continue to THINK.  I need to talk to hubby and see what his opinion is.

I'm torn between being lazy and wanting to push myself back into some semblence of shape.  I need to decide how important martial arts is to me.  I talk to martial artists on a regular basis.  I have acquired a good friend who is willing to go out of his way to help me.  I need to help myself first.

The mind is a powerful thing.  I need to push mine into submission and meditate on what I really want.

Tai Chi Form

I jumped into the Tai Chi form class on Monday a week ago and feel like it's going to work out for me.  I remembered some of the movements from the Introduction class and was able to step in and follow with what the rest of the class is doing.
After knowing what I've done to myself in Tang Soo Do by comparing myself to everyone else, I've made a vow that I'm only going to watch the instructor to see what she is demonstrating.  I'm not going to compare myself to anyone else.   I like the similarities to TSD.  I found out on Friday that I was able to execute a kick *and* I turned my hips over!!!!  It was the first time I actually did that!  I may go out in the garage tomorrow and go kick my BOB around.  Now that I have the room to play, it'll be a lot easier to get back into practicing.  

I'm also going to go out in the yard in the morning and see how much of the first section of the form I actually remember.   It's been a week and I haven't worked on it since class last week.  We don't have a class tomorrow since it's Labor Day, so I'll get a chance to work on my own and see what I remember. 
I know I can do it.

It's all in the mind

I have been fighting with my martial arts--more importantly, I've been fighting with my head lately.  I haven't been to class for several months and am not really going to be heading back any time soon.  I've had problems with myself, with comparing myself to the others in my TSD class. I see myself as not as good as them.   It's all in my head, I know.  I should not compare myself to people around me.  They train differently from the way I trained.  I didn't learn the Korean in my original class and didn't make a lot of effort to learn it when I was taking classes regularly.   I didn't work on my material outside of class and let myself get discouraged when I didn't understand the Korean for specific movements/techniques. That frustration led to more frustration and became a huge snowball.  Because of this, I let myself get discouraged.  Instead of approaching someone and saying "I want to practice x, y or z", I steamed and stewed and let myself get into a more negative habit than I've ever been in.  I didn't listen to myself when I thought "Oh, I can do this!"  Instead, I opted NOT to hear my little inner voice, but heard a much louder, more negative one that said "You're terrible.  You'll never advance to be anything more than a Cho Dan".  I didn't attack that voice and ignore it or beat it back.

I don't feel like I'm comfortable going back to the dojang at present.  I had been told by someone that I shouldn't have gone into the dojang as a black belt because my ways were so totally different from theirs. I was told that I should have started over and worked my way back up the ranks to earn my black belt properly. I internalized that, let it sit in my sub conscious and finally succumbed.

I'm going to go back to Tang Soo Do at some point.  I don't think my Masters will have me back any time soon.  They probably think (here I am projecting what I think they think, most likely not what they really DO think...) that I'm a loser and that I gave up.  I don't see it as giving up right now.  I'm revamping my focus.
To that extent, I've started taking Tai Chi classes to learn to take things slower, literally.  My instructor says that she feels that my Tai Chi training will compliment my Tang Soo Do training.  Right now, the first thing I've learned (and probably the most important!), is that I am drowning out paying attention to the others in the class.  We are all beginners, no matter who we are.  In that I feel I've learned something.


I've also learned that I don't CARE that I'm not as good as everyone else in class.  I'm as good as I can make myself.  That's the important thing.
I'm not in a race to be as good or better.  I'm in no race at all.  I'm learning.  I'm slowing down.   In the process, maybe I'll learn how to get back to my martial arts training, to get to the point where I can be super proud of myself again. 


It's up to me because it's all in the mind

Back to training!!

I am sooo excited!!  After over a month off, I'm going to be back into my martial arts training as of tomorrow!  I'm going to the dojang to practice with one of the head instructors.  This is making me VERY happy and very excited because I'll be able to get back into working out and getting my mind wrapped around the idea of being a martial artist seriously.  I'm literally jumping up and down for joy.  I'm happier than I have been about almost anything.  There are a few exceptions, but for the most part, I'm thrilled as anything to be able to get back into martial arts!!!  

I am a little apprehensive as well, but I don't think I'll let it bother me much.  The one leg I have been having problems with since I was kicked is a bit sore, but I need to make sure I get myself using it.  I'm going to start stretching tonight so that I can start working on building muscle strength.

Lesson learned...

I have learned the hard way, NOT to spar with people who aren't martial artists or who aren't training in YOUR style!  I took a really hard hit to the side of my right knee on Saturday and it completely hurts to walk.   I can sympathize with the people who have had knee surgery, although I am not hurt in any way like they have been. 
My chiropractor warned me that I should take it easy on the leg for a few days and ice it.  It has one of the UGLIEST bruises I have ever gotten on it.  I guarantee you I will not "play" or "horse around" with someone who has no concept of how to pull a kick and not go full tilt.  It's painful and is NOT going to happen again.  


The person I was "goofing off with" is a jujitsu fighter.  I take Tang Soo Do, which is completely different.  My mentor, someone I admire intensely, pretty much lectured me about not letting them disrespect me.  She told me that if I keep horsing around like I did, I'll get hurt and the next time could be the one to cause me more damage than a huge bruise on my leg. 

Change of focus

Reality rears its ugly head more often than we think.  My reality check came when someone told me not so long ago that I'm never, ever going to test for second Dan.  The reason?  I'm out of shape.  I don't practice and I'm too fat to pass any of the physical requirements for the testing.  Okay.  I sat and stewed on that for a long time.  I finally came to the realization that she's right.  I'm the only cuckoo in the group.  I'm the fat one.  I cannot even run an eighth of a mile, so I'm just out of luck.  It sucks being the last one to finish anything, the one who huffs and puffs and feels inadequate because they are always last.  Big deal.

I haven't really been attending classes either.  Some of it was because I was told that I won't test again.  Some of it was because we've been buying a house and that's absorbed a lot of my time.  

Rather than sit and stew over the news that I'm too fat to test, I'm going to just shelve that idea (testing).  I don't need to test.  I'm just a Cho Dan and that's just fine.  I earned my belt.  I have that belt and my certificate. I know I was in okay shape back then.  That's all I need.  I just need to concentrate on improving what I know and fixing my (MANY) bad habits.  I may just learn something from it.  

Some time ago, I was told to stop whining that I wasn't going to get another belt.  I've listened.  It's time to work on ME.  I'm going to take the lessons I learn in class and work with them.  I've had physical issues that have prevented me from actively participating in classes until recently.  
Now I can start doing things that will help me improve my physical condition. I plan on making myself over to what I want to be, not what I think everyone else wants me to be.  I'm going to work on my own personal goals.  I haven't set anything (yet), but will. 


Finally, the ears are open.  I'm not going to focus on earning a belt.  I can tuck that into a closet, lock it up and throw away the key.  It just isn't going to happen.  Instead, my own physical and mental well being needs to be worked on, so that's going to be my focus.  My new house is within walking distance of a recreation center, so I shall be wandering over there after work at least three times a week.  I can possibly get a dog and go walking.  When I feel like I'm ready, I'll start running to see if I'm a person who likes to run.   If not, well, that's okay with me.  I will attempt it.


If I start whining about not testing, someone, please, remind me that I need to focus on me.  A belt is just a piece of cloth to tie around your waist.  It isn't the symbolization I need anymore.  I have it.  So my name isn't on the one I'm wearing.  Big deal.  I have one.  I have my name and my Dan card and nobody's going to revoke it. 

Weaponry

I have been given a challenge by my karate instructor to learn a new weapon that is "out of the box" for me.  As such, he has given me a really unique experience.  It's not a bo, bokken, sai, meechi kaibo, tonfa or anything else.  I have a unique weapon which I would *never* have thought of in a million years.   It is a thought provoking weapon and one that I am going to have a lot of fun learning.
It's Japanese in origin. I really should talk to one of my friends who is a new Shodan and see if she's heard of it.  It makes me want to get it out and work with it.  I have some additional research to do because I feel that it will benefit me to know all there is to know about this wonderful weapon.

I don't know if anyone from my school reads my blog, but until I have clearance to talk about my weapon with others in the school, I have to work on learning the weapon and practice, practice, practice.

I'm excited!  I think it's an interesting choice.  I have several things I need to think about as my Master and I will sit down and discuss this weapon with him sometime soon.  He wants me to think of the reason he picked this particular weapon for me.  I can see at least one reason.   It's a weapon that you wouldn't expect to be a weapon.  It's a bit of a surprise, more of the "unknown quantity".  Since I'm fairly new to the school as well, it suits me because I'm the unknown factor as well.