Tai Chi Form

I jumped into the Tai Chi form class on Monday a week ago and feel like it's going to work out for me.  I remembered some of the movements from the Introduction class and was able to step in and follow with what the rest of the class is doing.
After knowing what I've done to myself in Tang Soo Do by comparing myself to everyone else, I've made a vow that I'm only going to watch the instructor to see what she is demonstrating.  I'm not going to compare myself to anyone else.   I like the similarities to TSD.  I found out on Friday that I was able to execute a kick *and* I turned my hips over!!!!  It was the first time I actually did that!  I may go out in the garage tomorrow and go kick my BOB around.  Now that I have the room to play, it'll be a lot easier to get back into practicing.  

I'm also going to go out in the yard in the morning and see how much of the first section of the form I actually remember.   It's been a week and I haven't worked on it since class last week.  We don't have a class tomorrow since it's Labor Day, so I'll get a chance to work on my own and see what I remember. 
I know I can do it.

It's all in the mind

I have been fighting with my martial arts--more importantly, I've been fighting with my head lately.  I haven't been to class for several months and am not really going to be heading back any time soon.  I've had problems with myself, with comparing myself to the others in my TSD class. I see myself as not as good as them.   It's all in my head, I know.  I should not compare myself to people around me.  They train differently from the way I trained.  I didn't learn the Korean in my original class and didn't make a lot of effort to learn it when I was taking classes regularly.   I didn't work on my material outside of class and let myself get discouraged when I didn't understand the Korean for specific movements/techniques. That frustration led to more frustration and became a huge snowball.  Because of this, I let myself get discouraged.  Instead of approaching someone and saying "I want to practice x, y or z", I steamed and stewed and let myself get into a more negative habit than I've ever been in.  I didn't listen to myself when I thought "Oh, I can do this!"  Instead, I opted NOT to hear my little inner voice, but heard a much louder, more negative one that said "You're terrible.  You'll never advance to be anything more than a Cho Dan".  I didn't attack that voice and ignore it or beat it back.

I don't feel like I'm comfortable going back to the dojang at present.  I had been told by someone that I shouldn't have gone into the dojang as a black belt because my ways were so totally different from theirs. I was told that I should have started over and worked my way back up the ranks to earn my black belt properly. I internalized that, let it sit in my sub conscious and finally succumbed.

I'm going to go back to Tang Soo Do at some point.  I don't think my Masters will have me back any time soon.  They probably think (here I am projecting what I think they think, most likely not what they really DO think...) that I'm a loser and that I gave up.  I don't see it as giving up right now.  I'm revamping my focus.
To that extent, I've started taking Tai Chi classes to learn to take things slower, literally.  My instructor says that she feels that my Tai Chi training will compliment my Tang Soo Do training.  Right now, the first thing I've learned (and probably the most important!), is that I am drowning out paying attention to the others in the class.  We are all beginners, no matter who we are.  In that I feel I've learned something.


I've also learned that I don't CARE that I'm not as good as everyone else in class.  I'm as good as I can make myself.  That's the important thing.
I'm not in a race to be as good or better.  I'm in no race at all.  I'm learning.  I'm slowing down.   In the process, maybe I'll learn how to get back to my martial arts training, to get to the point where I can be super proud of myself again. 


It's up to me because it's all in the mind

Happy Happy!

I am extremely excited today. I have been sitting here, annoying my co-workers, talking about class. I'm really happy that I'm going to class tonight. I may have forgotten a lot, but I'm not going to let that stop me. I have been reviewing my book (Tang Soo Do by Grandmaster Kang Uk Lee) and am going to make the best out of whatever happens tonight. I'm really excited. I haven't felt this "bouncy" in a while now.
I showed the guy on the other side of the wall bits of two forms, so they're kind of still in my head (yay!!). I just have to keep myself focused on the fact that I AM going to do this. I will do well, regardless of what happens tonight. They'll either have mercy on me or they'll work me over. Either way, it's a win-win situation!

I haven't done my Ho Sin Sul and I haven't done anything with the one steps in forever, so I have to re-learn those.