It's all in the mind

I have been fighting with my martial arts--more importantly, I've been fighting with my head lately.  I haven't been to class for several months and am not really going to be heading back any time soon.  I've had problems with myself, with comparing myself to the others in my TSD class. I see myself as not as good as them.   It's all in my head, I know.  I should not compare myself to people around me.  They train differently from the way I trained.  I didn't learn the Korean in my original class and didn't make a lot of effort to learn it when I was taking classes regularly.   I didn't work on my material outside of class and let myself get discouraged when I didn't understand the Korean for specific movements/techniques. That frustration led to more frustration and became a huge snowball.  Because of this, I let myself get discouraged.  Instead of approaching someone and saying "I want to practice x, y or z", I steamed and stewed and let myself get into a more negative habit than I've ever been in.  I didn't listen to myself when I thought "Oh, I can do this!"  Instead, I opted NOT to hear my little inner voice, but heard a much louder, more negative one that said "You're terrible.  You'll never advance to be anything more than a Cho Dan".  I didn't attack that voice and ignore it or beat it back.

I don't feel like I'm comfortable going back to the dojang at present.  I had been told by someone that I shouldn't have gone into the dojang as a black belt because my ways were so totally different from theirs. I was told that I should have started over and worked my way back up the ranks to earn my black belt properly. I internalized that, let it sit in my sub conscious and finally succumbed.

I'm going to go back to Tang Soo Do at some point.  I don't think my Masters will have me back any time soon.  They probably think (here I am projecting what I think they think, most likely not what they really DO think...) that I'm a loser and that I gave up.  I don't see it as giving up right now.  I'm revamping my focus.
To that extent, I've started taking Tai Chi classes to learn to take things slower, literally.  My instructor says that she feels that my Tai Chi training will compliment my Tang Soo Do training.  Right now, the first thing I've learned (and probably the most important!), is that I am drowning out paying attention to the others in the class.  We are all beginners, no matter who we are.  In that I feel I've learned something.


I've also learned that I don't CARE that I'm not as good as everyone else in class.  I'm as good as I can make myself.  That's the important thing.
I'm not in a race to be as good or better.  I'm in no race at all.  I'm learning.  I'm slowing down.   In the process, maybe I'll learn how to get back to my martial arts training, to get to the point where I can be super proud of myself again. 


It's up to me because it's all in the mind

Back to work

I'm officially ending my hiatus from martial arts as of tomorrow.  I go to my first class in over a month.  I"m really looking forward to it.  I need it.  You never know how much you've missed something until you have the opportunity to think about it.

I'm ready.  I've been doing nothing but complaining about my fate. Well, this isn't happening anymore.  I'm happy that my instructor is allowing me to come back, so I am going to throw myself into it whole heartedly.
Tomorrow we have a parents' meeting in place of our normal classes, but on Thursday, there's going to be a lot of hard, HARD work to do.  This I will enjoy!! 

On Saturday, I talked to my instructor.  He told me, "No more excuses."  He's right.  No more.  I'm completely ready for it.  I'm already mentally reviewing my forms and thinking about what I know. I'm going to start pushing myself a little harder than I had been.  I have a lot of things to get caught up on.

On BECOMING

What makes a black belt? Is it the fabric that just happens to be black or blue? No. It’s a manner of carrying yourself, your comportment. It’s whether you take the time to show a little bit of courtesy to the rest of the people you come into contact with. A black belt is all of these things and more.

A black belt internalizes the teachings of his or her Masters. He or she must learn to give up the ego that plagues most of us. (Having an ego is not necessarily a bad thing, but it does affect your dealings with people.) A black belt truly BECOMES that which he or she embodies.

As a black belt, you represent not only your dojang, but also your history, your founders. You represent yourself as an ambassador. You’re part of a greater whole. It’s a collective. Martial arts has a long history. It’s one that we all represent in many ways. The history of your art, for yes, it IS an art form, is written in the sweat and blood of those who precede you. You may *think* you’re working very hard to earn something, but there are those for whom the challenge has been infinitely harder. The challenge is there for all, but only a few will ever truly embrace being a black belt.

When you test, it’s not just an ending point. It’s a stepping off point, a door is opening to continue to grow and expand. The target, while having been met once, now must be re-met in all that you do. You must decide if you are going to share your knowledge with your fellow students. The Gups will look up to you. Overnight, it seems, your status is changed from being “one of them” to being one of an elite group.

Being a black belt isn’t just “Look! I have a belt!” It’s your actions, ultimately, that define you as a black belt. If you take the time to help out in class, to lead warm ups, for example, you’re embodying what those who have come before you have taught you. If you step up and demonstrate a form or technique incorrectly, you must take the critique of that form or technique. You can’t expect to do something incorrectly and not have people notice. You actually have a spotlight on you, almost as if “black belt” is tattooed to your forehead.

Being a black belt is a mental thing. Any person can have a black belt. Some people truly LIVE as black belts. There is a difference. Those who just have the belt are more likely to be the swaggering type. The people I have met, as an example, embody the spirit of black belt. In my dojang, the people who I train with are working towards improvement daily. They are willing to answer questions and never treat you like you’re asking “stupid” questions. When I came into this dojang, I came in with the idea that I was going to advance my ranks on the same “schedule” that I had been on at my old school. What I had not counted on was the fact that I have to learn to become a black belt. I may have the belt, yes, but it means nothing if I don’t understand WHY I have the belt. It’s not all about the training. The training goes beyond the physical in the dojang (Funakoshi #8–”Do not think that your karate training happens only in the dojang.”)

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I’m taking that step. I want to learn, therefore, I attend classes (intermittently, but that *will* change!). I have found my niche. There is another saying that bears repeating…that is, “When the student is ready, the teacher will come.”

Training benefits and values

Being a martial artist, sometimes it is important to step back and think about why you do things. If you've been a martial artist for a long time, it's something that is pretty well customary. If you're a "new" or "young" martial artist (as in, less than ten years into the practice), it helps to periodically look back at things.
I've been going through one of those phases again. It's helping me to redefine myself.

So, here is what I have come up with:

The Benefit of training in Tang Soo Do:

1. Self Discipline
2. Integrity
3. Self Confidence
4. Strength
5. Physical Fitness

The values to training in martial arts are:

1. Integrity-honesty. Winners don't lie. Integrity instills honesty which instills integrity. It's a circle.

2. Self discipline-Not being lazy. You can't say you have "self discipline" if you're avoiding any sort of workout.

3. Self confidence-belief in oneself. Being able to achieve the impossible.

4. Strength--Mental as well as physical. Make your own decisions.

5. Physical Fitness--Physical fitness leads to improved health, being healthy.


This all ties together. You have to have self discipline in order to follow through with your physical fitness, for example. If you are lazy, you don't allow yourself to workout or train, which in turn leads to sloppy martial arts.
When you're physically fit, you'll feel more self confidence. Self confidence allows you to have the fortitude to continue down the path you've chosen.

Questions...

Challenges abound when you're taking martial arts. There are people who will ask you frequently (as happens at my office), "WHY are you taking martial arts?!" They obviously don't understand the passion there, or the reasons behind it.
I joined martial arts after taking my daughter to a class. She wasn't interested in the class at the time because she "felt funny with all the bowing", but I found myself drawn to it. I tried two classes and that was it. I found my niche.
That was back in 2004.

I was told that I had "tried to quit" a number of times, which I truly don't remember. I stuck it out, even after several people left. I thought I wanted to teach, to help people learn what I knew. I signed up for a "CIT" or Certified Instructor Training class when I reached Cho Dan Bo. I attended many classes, assisted with the Little Ninjas class and felt that I was doing okay.
I kept working toward my black belt, which I subsequently earned.
After my belt, things still were working out in my favor, or so I thought. I continued on my path toward "leadership". I helped out more with the LN class, until it was "mainstreamed" and became part of the "white belt class". I continued to try to maintain a positive attitude, despite all the changes that were taking place.

In July, 2008, I made a decision that was not easy. I left the school I'd been attending since 2004, the one I earned my belt in. I had suddenly felt that I was going nowhere...I wasn't teaching anything, I wasn't allowed to teach when I was supposed to teach. Classes weren't the same. I won't say they were bad, but they were different.

I wanted to continue taking martial arts. I felt that it was something I was drawn to. I looked into a Taekwondo school, but didn't feel it was for me. I didn't want to change my discipline. I wanted to stay with Tang Soo Do.
I spoke to the head of my then Federation, who gave me a recommendation of what to look for. Then I went to a school I'd been referred to. I communicated with the owner of that school, attended several trial classes and felt that I was where I needed to be.

I still feel that I need to be there, but now I'm questioning myself. I have this really bad habit of questioning what I'm doing and second guessing myself. When I was at the other place, I earned a belt. I second guess myself on whether or not the belt was deserved. I am working oh so much harder than I ever did and yet, I feel that I'm floundering. You can see the differences in the schools. The quality of instruction is extremely high. I need to stop comparing myself to the people I train with. I am me and not them. I came from a different tradition, even though it is still TSD. I know this and yet, in my own eyes, I am second guessing. I find myself questioning WHY I am doing things, but then I ask, "why am I still doing martial arts? I earned a black belt. Shouldn't I let that be an achievement in and of itself?" The answer to that question, in my heart, is NO. I love martial arts. I like the "high" I feel when I work out. I may not be the smallest person in my class. I'm like 75+ pounds overweight. I have to make concessions in my training. I just have to work out the self doubt and get my butt into each and every class and then just work as hard as I can.

Even if the people I work with don't understand WHY I am taking classes, I understand. Well, okay, I THINK I understand! I'm not out to be a grand champion cage fighter or anything like that. I'm just out to be the best I can be. I've seen my self esteem grow in the past four or five years. I'm now volunteering for extra responsibility at work and in my own personal life.
THAT is why I am taking classes. I'm doing it for me. There's a side effect and it's a positive one. I am learning self defense at the same time. It may not show, and just because one man in my company can reach out and intimidate me (he's bigger than me and uses that to his advantage), it doesn't mean that my classes are for nothing. I just have to address his sarcasm and his disbelief and then channel it to my advantage.

The question isn't "WHY are you taking it?" The question should be, "What are you taking out of it?"

Changed mindset

I'm in a pretty good mood today. I went to class last night and worked really hard. We worked on technique, which I can appreciate because I can see what I need to do to improve myself. I've decided that I am going to class not to compare myself with anyone else but to compare myself to myself from a year ago. I'm the only one I can compare to because I know where I was this time last year and where I am now.
Physically, I'm in worse shape than I was, especially as I haven't really been working out. Mentally, probably about the same, but again, maybe slightly better. Not overly sure of that. I know I have to stop comparing myself to other people. I'm going to work on that. I am enjoying my classes for the first time in a long time. I haven't felt so positive about my martial arts since I was working toward my black belt. I'm not working as hard as I was then, but...I do feel that I'm getting somewhere because I can SEE the changes.

Friday meditations on martial arts

As many of you know, I left my old martial arts school in July of 2008. I wasn't happy and had a few issues that couldn't be resolved, so I left. I had a lot of angst about it and spent a lot of time agonizing over "did I make the right decision?" My former instructor tried a few times to communicate with me and I took the cowardly way out--I either let the calls go to voicemail or I didn't return calls when I said I would.

I have since moved forward and have found a new school. I am happy with that school--it was a good change for me, I believe. I do not regret my decision. It was something that was needed. I am learning my forms and am learning to ask "WHY" about the technique and the forms. It's a new challenge to me as I have to learn Korean, bunkai, Bushido Codes and other things. In many ways, I feel like I've started over again and am back at white belt, only I know the forms. I have much tweaking and adjustments to be made or I won't be able to get myself up to speed.

Yesterday I went over to a friend's house and talked about a lot of things martial arts related. We talked about Bunkai and we talked about language. We also talked about our Ho Sin Sul and one steps. I got a chance to review four of the Ho Sin Sul I would need to know as a white belt. It was a very productive afternoon for me. We talked about performing the forms in various ways--forward or "left" (because you learn it to the left), 'right hand' (opposite of how you initially learn it), "backwards to the left" and "backwards right handed".
We talked about setting goals...if you set the goal of performing a form a day, in all four ways, you'll actually learn the forms very well. It's a good thing to work on and it's something that I'm thinking will be beneficial for me.

Another thing--since I'm sidelined again this month (grrr!!), I'm going to talk to the trainer my apartment complex offers "for free". I'm going to get with him on Tuesdays and Thursdays this month and see about getting beaten into shape that way. I need the exercise and working with a trainer will be a good way to get myself back on track. I'll make sure I tell the trainer that I'm a martial artist so that he can help me focus on things I need. Upper body strength, lower body strength, cardio, etc. I truly want to get into excellent shape. Tomorrow I'm going to start my weekend out by walking a 5k. I may take the entire family with me but if they're not interested in going with me, I'll go alone. I plan on doing this every weekend. I am also going to start walking at work again. That'll be a mile a day (the route I walk is 1.9 miles round trip.). It's just a short term goal to getting healthier and happier.

I plan to return to BTK. I will have to wait until it's feasible but I WILL be there. I told my friend yesterday that when I come back, I plan on being there with the attitude of "I can do it." I WILL do it. I'm going in with the plan of being there, learning and learning well.

Now I need to go get my notebook out and practice those Ho Sin Sul we worked on yesterday. I'm going to do them every day until I get them ingrained in my head. I may show them to my friend DB tomorrow, just to show him "this is what I can do."

Sad news in the martial arts world...

This was an email I received today:

Folks -

It was announced in the paper today that Joe Hyams passed away last week at the age of 85. Mr Hyams was known for work as a Hollywood columnist and celebrity biographer. For us in the Martial Arts, he was the author of "Zen in the Martial Arts" and co-author of Chuck Norris' book, "The Secret of Inner Strength: My Story."

Both books have continued in print for more than 25 years. They are available in bookstores and used copies often turn up at Half Price Books. Both are recommended reading!

I am working late tonight. With any luck, everyone will clear out by 6:00 so that I have a few minutes to run over my material in my cube. I like doing my forms at work when nobody's around. It gives me a chance to make mistakes and pretend that they're on purpose. Not that *I* make mistakes. ha! Me of the flubbed Pyung Ahn Oh Dan!!

I set myself a couple of goals for the next month or so. I'm going to start practicing my forms one through whatever I decide I need to work on. I also need to work on the jumping kicks (cha gi). I like the fact that there are jumping kicks that I can do. I may not kick as high as I'd like, but I'm at least trying to clear some ground, so that will help. I particularly like the jumping hook kick (no Korean on this one, sorry!). It's a fun kick. Ms. S had to remind me to tighten up my leg on this one and try to kick my own rear. Okay! I feel like I need a refresher in kicking one oh one, but I'll be giving myself that as I practice more.

Another kick I know I'm weak on is the back kick. DB has always reminded me to "LOOK at where you're kicking" and I've heard it from Master G as well. Gotta LOOK or you'll be way off base! I'm going to have to dig out my pads and start getting Tony to go outside and hold them for me. I could always get Aidan involved in that too, to help him keep sharp.

I need to set some fitness goals and start working toward those as well. I have read the requirements for passing the belt test (no matter WHOSE belt test it is!). For my age/weight, I should be able to run a mile in ten minutes. I don't know if he'll insist on straight running, but I'm betting anything that as long as I clear it in the ten minute time frame, I won't fail. I have to start conditioning myself, so that means walking first. I wish I lived closer to my friend, S. I'd love to have her coach me again. I worked with her a couple of years ago and managed to do a 5 k in an hour or so. I don't remember the exact time. I know that we both ran and walked it. She was a sweetie and really pushed me when I needed that push. I'll have to call her and ask her if she'll push me again.

I guess I can put my fitness goals over at the other blog (Martial Arts Musings) and update that as I make my goals. Might be worth a shot. That way I have both of them updated. I may mirror this blog at that one.